My underwear smells like fireworks.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
