Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
