I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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