Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
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Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
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Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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