I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
