i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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