I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
