He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
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He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Then you guys just all showered together...?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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