i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
