I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
