My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
