you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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