I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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