my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
