remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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