I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
