I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
