I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
