giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
sex in a hospital.. check
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
