Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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