he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
