Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I lost the right to judge tonight
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
