I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
