Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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