Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
