Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
