I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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