listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
