He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
