Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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