if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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