naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
