I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize