Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
