my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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