I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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