It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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