but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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