I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
