I think I won the penis lottery.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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