he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
