This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
