ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
