I faked an abortion last night.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
