So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
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you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
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I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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