So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
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I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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