I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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