I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
They took my balls.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
