I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
