That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
