last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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