In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
