sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Randomize
