Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
