You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
