I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
