If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
