im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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