Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize